Half man, half monkey. Roaming the world looking for chocolate

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Can you believe we had snow last night! In October! This country is mad.

It took a good for moments to prise the iced-up car door open this morning, and there was a layer of ice an inch thick on the windscreen that just refused to be removed by my inept ice-scraper. Luckily I eventually managed to clear it with a pneumatic drill I borrowed from the workmen over the road. I now need a nice warming mug of hot chocolate... and a new windscreen. Or to be more exact, my sister needs a new windscreen as it is her car. I'm hoping this crazy weather will continue until Friday night then all the trick-or-treaters will stay home and I'll get to eat all the sweets myself.

Then I dropped Ollie off to the childminders and he screamed his head off. I has a sad.

  • 1
Get Radiator Dumbass to get you a proper scraper from the US. We brought one back from NY 5+ years ago, it's grand. Big enough to use two handed and it has a brush on too for removing snow/scrapings.

"Radiator Dumbass", I do like that! Think that one might stick. :-D

I resent that. There are FAR better monikers that you could use :p

I think Gawef should make you a Radiator Dumbass icon.

Can you believe we had snow last night! In October! This country is mad.

It's the recession innit?

So all of that ranting about the snow was just a way of saying I hope those scrounging kids don't come round on Friday nicking your sweets.

This is my plan for tackling the little blighters on Friday...

1. Goat head.

A real goat's head nailed to your front door often works wonders. You would be surprised how many children will break down and cry at the site of this, especially if it was their goat.

2. Sign.

Attach a sign to your front door saying "BEWARE OF CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER. VISITORS ENTER AT OWN RISK". Most children will shy away once they see this sign.

3. Scare Crows.

The previous evening, catch two children, take them home, disembowel them and hang them on crucifixes in the front garden. By Halloween night, the bodies will have attracted flies, and crows will be perched on them, pecking away. The sight of this should put most children off.

4. Masturbation.

Sit on your front doorstep wearing a t-shirt that says "Don't hate me because I'm a convicted rapist and murderer". Masturbate the whole time you are there with your eyes tight shut, muttering "Carol Smilie, Carol Smilie" over and over. Or, in the United States of America, "Oprah, Oprah."

5. Put a life sized cardboard cut out of Matthew Kelly in your front garden. It is unlikely any children will dare approach after seeing this. Or, in the case of the United States of America, use a cardboard cut out of a Catholic Priest.

Should these not keep the bell ringers away, here are a few methods to defend yourself from those who head for the doorbell.

1. Brick.

If you have a window overlooking the front door, wait in the dark with a brick. As the first child ventures up the path, a well aimed throw will render him unconscious, or severely wounded. Any friends attempting to save the injured should be bricked too. Dead or unconscious, bleeding bodies on your path will deter other trick or treaters.

2. Piss mist.

Have you got a plant mist sprayer? If so, take a piss in it. When asked "trick or treat?" Respond, "PISS!" And mist the children.

3. Mace.

Simple and effective. Mace the ringleader if you can identify him and the others will flee. If you have a video camera, tape the entire series of events. That way you can rig up the video to a tv and place it in a window so it is viewable outside. This should deter all but the most courageous trick or treaters.

4. Nudity.

Wait by the front door in the buff. When the doorbell rings, open it a crack so the kids can't see you are naked. When asked, "trick or treat?", respond by opening the door wide and with a perverse grin, simply say, "treat".

5. Buddy up.

Do you have a friend across the street who shares your loathing of children? Arrange to sit in an upstairs room in his house with a sniper rifle aimed at your front door. You can pick the little f*ckers off one by one like this and make a night of it. Share a few beers with your friend, bond through the murder of children. He can act as a spotter for you too if you have some binoculars.

So that's a yes then.

I weep for Olivers future.

(Fast forward 5 years from now)
Oliver: "Dad, can we go Trick or Treating?"
Bad Dad: "Are you out of your $%&*ing mind? I hate kids! HATE THEM ALL! Present company accepted of course. Now go to your room, Daddy's busy with this goat's head."

  • 1

Log in

No account? Create an account